Another awkward gap of not posting! I am very sorry indeed, but at least I have a reason this time — IGCSE Mandarin oral exams. Hah.
These past few days have been rather on the dull side, which really I ought to be thankful for, as in less than three weeks my study leave begins for exams and I doubt things will be dull then. When things are dull I tend to just feel tired and to no surprise whatsoever, I have been exhausted for the past week, which leads to things being even duller and it is a vicious cycle, but one that is difficult to break free from simply due to the overwhelming sensation of “but I can’t be bothered though!”
When things are dull I have more time to think and more time to think results in more moments spent in the dusty corners of my own mind. In these corners I am left alone to do as every human does and cringe over past actions and previous experiences until I simply cannot take it and am forced to do something, anything, to ease the nauseating embarrassment seeping from the wounds of long long ago. Usually some exercise does the trick or a bit of reading, but recently that has not been so, and ‘some’ exercise has turned to ‘compulsive’ exercise and ‘a bit’ of reading has turned to ‘mountains’ of reading but to no avail! So I find myself spending more and more time in a wonderland inside my head, behind my mind almost, as it seems a much different place than the dark, dank apartment that holds the dusty cobwebs of my most humiliating moments.
Many a deep thought has been contemplated in the forests behind my mind, too many of which are more morbid than a 16 year old’s thoughts should probably be, but the serenity that it brings is entirely priceless. I speak to many adults who say that they simply cannot clear their minds for neither love nor money, but I fail to see how this could possibly be. The clarity of a person’s mind should be of utmost importance to not only themselves but those around them also, I think. Take the idea of oxygen masks on an aeroplane. You are instructed to apply your own mask first and then to go on to provide aid to those around you because quite frankly if you’re panicking over someone else without any life support of your own, God knows that you’ll die soon enough. This goes for the mind vs. body idea also, if you do not attend to your mind, how could you possibly care for your body? The body is but a vessel for the soul and of course you must take care of it in the best way you possibly can, but what is a vessel without something to contain? I believe that nothing is the answer we are looking for here.
Before I drag the both of us into my deepest, darkest thoughts, perhaps it is time for me to go back to bed. The message that I would like to leave you with is simply to take care of yourself before you go scrambling after someone else. Do anything — take a long hot bath, take up yoga and meditation, go for a run, sleep an extra hour and make yourself a balanced, yummy breakfast when you do get up. Make the choices that you want to, and I want to stress the you of that sentence. Being teenagers, it is all but too easy to be pressured in to doing things that you don’t actually want to simply because it is the ‘cool’ thing to do, but do not bow to anybody’s opinion! Do not listen to what people have to say about you or even about others, for how much could they possibly know. If you want to know something, ask that person, if you like someone, tell that person and if you dislike someone simply detach yourself from their presence! At our age, we choose to complicate things simply to give ourselves something to do, and as easy as it is to feel isolated when you head ‘rumours’ about yourself, remember that it is genuinely because these people have nothing better to do. Do not feel hostile because you cannot know what is going on in their lives, and continue on knowing that in your heart you are not holding any resentment because you are simply capable of understanding more than these people. Keep in mind that
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
― Gautama Buddha
and that you are never alone.
Love and light to where ever you are in this world.