nearly two years

there are silent storms,

vast and engulfing, but

please, pretend you don’t

see them. thunder rumbles,

silent as sin and lightning

cracks just as invisibly as

you wish it could, how can

you shut your eyes to the

veritable collapse of these

castles; walls crumble and

the grounds shake but you

stand still, still, remarkably

still, how can I fall when you

are yet to even notice the

rotation of this earth, how can

I move the mountains for you?

How can I be so desperately

concerned while you are so

desperately indifferent, have you

forgotten that this is the end,

have you forgotten that we will

never again be this way, this is

an extinction, the end of the

planet and an era, how can you

fathom the depths of this ocean

when I can’t even sail it on a boat.

This could be the end of forever,

let me know if you

want to change that, I need

you to want to change that, because

I have never tired of you. I have

spent years by your side and have

never learnt to put up a guard, I

would never wish sadness upon

you my dear but please let me

know, let me know that this is

hard for you too, so I can sleep

tonight and every night that we

spend apart, do not leave me to

fight this alone.

I will never

begrudge you, these last six months

where we both knew we were

slow dancing in a burning room,

waiting for the walls to collapse,

there is no moment of this love that

I would regret, I mean how could

I resent a love that was like breathing,

that was like two years of the moment

where you get into bed after a long,

long day, and there is no atom that

could ever want to be

anywhere else.

Perhaps the most disturbing part

of it all, is how suddenly memory

foam turns to concrete, and how

desperately you want those silk

sheets to stop feeling like you’re

lying in tin foil, were you deluding

yourself? No, not at all,

it is remarkable what the human

mind can do when it wants

something to work so badly,

when the overwhelming fear of

failure that you never knew you

had kicks in and all of a sudden

two years have passed.

It is almost shocking, looking

at pictures of you with your head

that some other girl shaved, to think

that I really knew I would marry you

one day, to have laid the stones on

the path to forever, to have almost

set my dreams aside to make space

for yours, to have given up Paris,

New York, New Orleans, for the

little town that existed only in your

mind and your childhood, too small

for a girl who stands 5’10” in stature

and infinite in possibilities.

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Crippling, might be an adequate word,

as my lungs heave, breathing in air that

never will satiate the bloodstream that

craves more, corrupted breaths wrack

this chest as I look around the room of

my childhood, I see it all. Surround me

with musical instruments and realms of

coloured cloth, I feel at home, sprung

floor and black curtains line the cavities

of this heart, no other place feels as real,

costumes that I have worn and masks

that have covered tear-stained faces lie

at my feet and they tell me to step forward,

out from the reverie of days past and days

that will be no more, push me into space,

the lack of air there would feel the same as

the toxic fumes that they ask me to breathe now.

 

Starlight will hurt less than profile spots and the

colour from supernovae will blind the attempts

of theatre gels, but I will miss home, I will miss

my home, I will miss you, I blend into the darkness,

translucent skin finally showing honest sentiment,

this body was injected with the darkness of the

night sky from day one, I was a glass doll that you

filled with every character you thought might work,

coloured sand filling the crevices between each

of my mismatched talents and shards of my disposition,

and as the colours ensnared one another it all turned

to black, with the reflective surfaces of hopes and dreams

playing the role of stars, glinting enthusiastically,

deceptively, cruelly amongst the darkness.

 

Tonight, there will be no stars. I stand beneath a smoggy

city sky and know that they are out there somewhere, maybe

I just haven’t found them yet, I’m sure I’m good for something.

I will hope for you, I will dream for you, I will fight til my last

breath if it would make you proud, I promise that I would be

good to you if you stay but you can’t so I guess it doesn’t matter.

I will dream for you, dream the little dreams of me, see straight

through pale skin to glimpse the darkness within, but this time

I will notice the galaxies, I will see the clouds and the solar flares

I will not resign myself to a monotone but instead appreciate that

black, like white, is made up of every colour and for you I will be

thankful, so thankful. I learned to see through your eyes, to feel

through your fingers, to speak through your tongue and let my final

words to you be that I am so, so grateful.